Harry Potter and VoldeMart
by SupercoolLoser
Summary: Okay, here's a story about some kids who watched TV. Oh, and the title gives it away. Enjoy!


_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just a poor kid with an imagination…**_

**Harry Potter and VOLDE-MART**

_(Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting on the couch watching television in their pimped out crib)_

**Ron:** _(flipping channels)_ There's nothing to watch! There's only some craptastic show called Grey's Anatomy!

**Hermione:**_(wide-eyed and smiling)_ Grey's Anatomy? I love that show! Especially with all the McNames they give everybody! _(looks at Harry)_ Right, McHarry?

**Harry:** _(grumbles and visibly frustrated)_ Seriously, how can you guys just sit here and talk about television? The war is still going on and Voldemort's still alive! I…I just don't know what to do… _(sighs)_

**Hermione:**_(soothing Harry)_ Oh, McHarry, it's going to be McOkay. McYou're McGoing to McWin.

**Ron**_: (grabbing gun in order to shoot Hermione, decides now's not going to be the day she McDies)_ thinking to himself Why the hell was I portrayed as a dumbass during the HP films? I gotta sue somebody…

_(Voldemort suddenly appears on television, he looks as ghastly as ever, with his bald head and slit nose, he sort of looks like Ralph Fiennes, only on the ugly side)_

**Hermione:**_(shrieking)_ McOh McNo! McIt's McVoldemort!

**Voldemort:**_(hissing)_ I… curse… you… to…. SHOP AT VOLDE-MART!

_(Harry, Ron and Hermione just sit there, eyes wide open and mouths hanging open)_

**Voldemort:**_(showing his gigantic warehouse Volde-Mart)_ WE HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED, FROM TAMPONS TO TOM GREEN FILMS! PUREBLOOD, HALFBLOOD, MUDBLOOD, ALL ARE WELCOME AT…. VOLDE-MART!!!

(waving his hands) COME OUT AND SING IT, LADIES!

_(Suddenly Draco, Crabbe and Goyle come out dressed like the Dreamgirls, Draco as Beyonce, Crabbe as Jennifer Hudson, and Goyle as Anika Noni Rose) _

(**Draco, Crabbe and Goyle: **_(singing to the tune of Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman)_

_Volde-Mart, Volde-Mart_

_Come and shop here at Volde-Mart_

_With low prices, buy some spices_

_Prices so low we've super-sliced them _

_OH, YEAH_

_COME SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!_

_(Pansy comes on screen, she might have gained one or two or seven hundred pounds)_

**Pansy:** Let's ask some of our customers what's the best thing about Volde-Mart…

_(walks up to Snape, who's pushing his cart full of Gummy Bears)_

**Pansy:** _(panting, walking two steps are hard, you know)_ Pro…(_gasp_!) fess…(_wheeze_!) or…. Snape… What can you tell our future customers what's the best thing about Volde-Mart?

**Snape:**_(irritated, eyebrow raised)_ I like the cow section. It's only place I trust in having my hair licked by a cow. _(Hair is dripping with saliva)_

_(Snape looks at the camera and walks away)_

**Pansy:** _(to the camera)_ I like the cow section too. Especially the part where you eat them. _(smiles and long pause) (Looking around)_ Ah, here's another customer who can tell us what's great about Volde-Mart!

**Pansy:** Sir! Sir! Do you have a minute?

_(Lucius looks up from his tabloid magazine, whose cover says "Ginny Weasley's Boob Job Exclusive!)_

**Lucius:** _(looking at Pansy all around) (Five minutes later) _What do you want, oompa?

**Pansy:** _(shoving microphone in his face) _What's the great thing about Volde-Mart?

**Lucius:** The lingerie section. I love to buy bras.

**Pansy:** Oh, how wonderful! I used to have boobs myself. Now it seems my gut has swallowed them… _(looks for boobs)_ Anyway, are they for your beautiful wife?

**Lucius:** _(bored)_ No, they're for me. _(Walks away, on the way he picks up a copy of My Humps)_

**Pansy:** _(to the camera) _Well, there you have it! Volde-Mart is an excellent place to shop, no matter what! _(to Voldemort)_ TAKE IT AWAY!

**Voldemort:** _(to Pansy)_ AVADA KEDAVRA!

_(Pansy falls dead, the earth shakes and Ron's vase falls)_

**Voldemort:** (_to the Dreamgirls)_ SING IT AGAIN, LADIES!

_(Draco comes out in a lovely green dress while Crabbe and Goyle are dressed in rags)_

_(Same song as above)_

_Volde-Mart, Volde-Mart,_

_Come and shop here at Volde-Mart_

_With low prices, buy some spices_

_Prices so low we've super-sliced them_

_OH, YEAH,_

_COME SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!!!_

_(Voldemort takes over the entire television screen and yells into the camera)_

**Voldemort:**_(cross-eyed)_ _**PRICES SO LOW THEY'RE CURSED!**_

_(Click)_

_(Ron turns off the television. The Trio are in deep shock. Ron breaks the silence)_

**Ron:** _(nervously)_ So, Harry… um… yeah… I guess now the fight against you and Volde-

Mart, I mean, Voldemort is now a corporate one now, huh?

**Hermione:** _(with a worried look on her face)_ Don't fight him, Harry. You think the wizarding world is hard, well, the corporate world…. it is worse.

**Harry:**_(stammering)_ W…worse?

**Ron:** Yeah, as in evil bunnies worse. _(Ron tries to impersonate Donald Trump)_

_(to Harry)_ You're fired.

_(All three are sitting in defeat, Harry may have beaten Voldemort on wizarding terms, but Voldemort is more powerful than ever in the corporate world)_

**Harry:** _(sitting upright) _Well, there's one thing to do.

**Hermione: **What, Harry? Burn down Volde-Mart?

**Harry:** No, I have a better idea…

_(Harry, Ron and Hermione are in front of Volde-Mart)_

**Ron:** Harry, you sure you want to do this?

**Hermione:** Yeah, we can go back if you want to.

**Harry:** No. Besides, do you really want to abort?

_(Ron and Hermione look at each other and smile at Harry)_

**Ron and Hermione:** No.

**Harry:** Well then, LET'S SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!

**All Three**: _**YEAH!**_

_(They jump and give each other high-fives, and the Volde-Mart song is blaring, this time, Draco is singing solo and seductively)_

_(Same song, only slow and moaning)_

_Mmmm… Volde-Maaaaaart…. Volde-Maaaaaaaaaaaaart, _

_Oh, Come and shop here at Vooooooolde-Mart_

_(touching himself) With low prices, yes! Buy some spices_

_Prices so loooooooooow_

_(instantaneous rapping to Lil Jon's Get Low, Lucius and Snape are engaged in a lingerie mudfight)_

_GET LOW, GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW_

_TO THE WINDOOOWS, TO THE WALLS, _

_TO THE WALLS, _

_TO THE SWEAT RIGHT DOWN MY BALLS!_

_ALL THESE BITCHES CRAWL! _

_AHH, SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!!_

_(Back to the orgasmic Volde-Mart song)_

_Yeah, we've super-sliced them (gyrates hips)_

_Oooooooh yeah,_

_Come shop here aaaaaaaat, __Vooooooooolde-Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart_

_(The End)_

* * *

Yeah, well, I wanted to make fun of everybody. By the way, this was my first fic. YOU GUYS JUST GOT SERVED! Oh, yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. 


End file.
